last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
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