There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
