My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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