so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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