90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
