her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
