can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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