Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
what day is it and did you see me today?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
