1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
