Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
