I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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