Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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