Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
