I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
