I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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