i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
