I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
