Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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