The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
