Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
