can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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