I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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