You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
