You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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