i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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