So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
