I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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