Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
