i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
