I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
The uberlube is also flammable
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
