I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
