she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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