The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
