foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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