Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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