Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
