you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
me + whiskey = a bad person
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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