I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
