Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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