glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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