Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
