I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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