He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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