I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
