I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
