My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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