I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I just forgot I was standing up.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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