you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
