oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
