i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
