Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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